Bye Bye Birdie

Poor WordPress, all sad and neglected these past few months. Not working a desk job has really cut into my available blogging hours. Sorry, Internet. Here’s a tissue.

But guess what? Micro-blogging is all the rage nowadays.

Mario the Love Guru, Vol I & II

Exhibit A:

…But there’s always another path!

Exhibit B:

My Parents Think It’s Just a Phase…

I don’t really talk about it much because it tends to spark more controversy than it’s worth, but I’m a pretty committed atheist and I think organized religions (all of them) are kind of silly. I think it’s a personal choice that people make (or follow blindly because their family tells them to) and I respect your right to believe in whatever the hell you want to believe in: Jesus, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Oprah. Just don’t expect me to have to deal with the rules and values associated with your religion anywhere near my government. Once your religion starts to affect ME DIRECTLY that’s when I begin to have a problem with you. If you’re a pharmacist who doesn’t want to fill my prescription for the Morning After Pill (though I probably wouldn’t ever need it – thanks, OrthoTricyclan!), or you’re a teacher who wants me to say a prayer at a public school, or you have a moral issue with gambling and thus seek to impose government bans on things like INTERNET POKER that’s when I’m going to start to get a little ticked off.

But this time, it’s gone too far.

According to the LA Times, there is currently a law on the books in Las Vegas that says atheists cannot perform marriages for couples.

Michael Jacobson, a 64-year-old retiree who calls himself a lifelong atheist, tried this year to get a license to perform weddings. Clark County rejected his application because he had no ties to a congregation, as state law requires.

So Jacobson and attorneys from two national secular groups — the American Humanist Assn. and the Center for Inquiry — are trying to change things. If they can’t persuade the state Legislature to rework the law, they plan to sue.

Jacobson, who spends most afternoons reading online or dining at a nearby buffet, is an admittedly reluctant plaintiff. But he’s willing to fight on principle, recalling one time he couldn’t: In the 1960s, the Army demanded that his dog tags note his religion. He reluctantly chose Judaism, which reflected his ancestry if not his beliefs.

“One of the things I like to do is stand up and say I’m a nonbeliever, so you know you’re not alone,” he said recently. [...]

Jacobson filled out an application to perform marriages, but sidestepped the questions on religion. County Clerk Shirley Parraguirre said she had little choice but to reject it.

As Nevada law requires, all of the county’s 2,500 or so licensed officiants are connected to a congregation — though some are as small as two people, Parraguirre said. (Judges and commissioners of civil marriages can also lead ceremonies.) [...]

Bob Ritter, an attorney for the American Humanist Assn., argued that when a celebrant marries a couple, he is acting as an agent of the state. Therefore, it’s unconstitutional to block someone from holding that position based on his religion — or lack of it, he says.

“Many atheists and agnostics have . . . deeply held beliefs,” Ritter wrote in a letter to Parraguirre. “Are not their beliefs entitled to the same respect?” Nevada law, he continued, implies that “the religious are more trustworthy than the nonreligious. This is a bigoted assumption.” [...]

If not, Ritter might have success in court, said Lynne Henderson, a law professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Judges performing ceremonies, for example, don’t have to meet religious criteria, so it’s absurd to make anyone else do so, she said. Officials could regulate celebrants in other ways, such as making them get training.

“It’s very weird,” Henderson said, “to try to support these laws in a city of 24-hour wedding chapels.”

Like I said, once they start messing with my livelihood, that’s when the claws come out. Listen, Religious Right: I might not ever need to terminate a pregnancy, and I’m pretty sure Emerson isn’t going to force me to pray anytime soon, but I have been planning my Vegas wedding for YEARS and I will be damned if I’m not married by an Atheist Elvis someday!

Good luck to this guy in court. I can’t believe we even have to fight for this shit.

This Is The Guy I’m Hiring…

(…if I ever get busted for ANYTHING.)

Just read this amazing interview with Jacques Vergès, a world-famous defense attorney for some of the world’s most notorious war criminals, terrorists, and dictators. (Oh, and right now he makes most of his money representing large industrial companies, so he can afford to take on most of his political clientéle pro-bono.)

His responses were very eloquent and I found myself nodding and agreeing with most of what he had to say. Definitely the type of person I’d drink a shot at the bar with.

Would I go home with him, though?

Prrrrrrobably not.

SPIEGEL: Eyadéma, Tschombé and their ilk — aren’t these people of whom you could say: I don’t want to have anything to do with them?

Vergès: Yes, I could do that, but it would be about the same thing as a doctor saying to his patient: “You know, you have AIDS, but I don’t like black people. I think they are criminal and it disgusts me, so I will not treat you.”

SPIEGEL: A doctor must provide help, but as an attorney, you are not obligated to accept every client.

Vergès: If you meet a doctor who cannot look at blood, pus or open wounds, he is in the wrong profession. If you meet a lawyer who doesn’t like criminals or dictators, it’s the same thing.

SPIEGEL: “My moral is to be against every moral, because it seeks to lash down life,” you once wrote.

Vergès: Yes, in an autobiographical book that I named after something a journalist had once called me: “Le Salaud lumineux,” or “The Brilliant Bastard.”

SPIEGEL: Could it be that you use your profession mainly for permanent intellectual provocation?

Vergès: I use it mainly for permanent intellectual enrichment. Our view of the world changes with time, because we see it from different perspectives. Thanks to my profession, I am now familiar with the view of the world from the perspective of the terrorist and the policeman, the criminal and the idiot, the virgin and the nymphomaniac. And I can tell you that this improves one’s own vision.

Feelin’ Hella Good.

According to Perez, No Doubt is going on tour!

No cities or dates yet, but if/when they’re in Boston I am so there.

WHO’S WITH ME?!

Amy Poehler is Queen of the Smart Girls.

Amy Poehler just launched her new web series about super-smart girls. Loving the heck out of it at the moment. The world needs more feel-good, empowering stuff like this.

Hello, Pussycats!

After a quick YouTube assessment of SNL’s newly announced cast-additions (Abby Elliott and Michaela Watkins) I have to say Michaela is clearly the more promising of the two. Abby does a spot-on Kirsten Dunst & Drew Barrymore impression, but they aren’t particularly funny. (Something tells me her Dad being Chris Elliott didn’t hurt her big shot with Lorne.) Abby, 23, also seems a bit young for the crowd – I think Casey Wilson’s giant head is going to eat her alive. Michaela, on the other hand, has a great sense of timing, which, in my opinion, is way more integral to being successful at SNL.

Funny clip from Watkins’ highlight reel:

Looks like there’s going to be a lot of estrogen flowing around studio 8H in the next few months. Does anyone else think Lorne Michaels is getting a bit of a Hugh Hefner complex or what?

MEOW:

Out with the Old…

…and in with the hottie!

You may be asking yourself: Addy, who the hell is this adorable little college coed?

Guys! This is Vanessa Sievers! She’s a 20-year old Democrat who just defeated 68-year old Carol Elliott, the three-term Republican incumbent for Treasurer of Grafton County, NH!

But despite their 48-year age difference, it was Elliott who resorted to schoolyard silliness, dismissing Sievers as a “teenybopper.” Elliott also said the only reason for Sievers win was because of “brainwashed college kids.” (Note: Sievers publicized her run by placing $51 Facebook ads.)

Let’s throw a party in her honor and share our leftover Obamacakes with her!

(Or maybe these guys can spare a few:)

Liberal Media, y’all!

This may be the only media publication in the entire world that didn’t feature a front-page story on Barack Obama’s historic win. Instead they chose to highlight a local commissioner’s race in their November 5th edition:

The day after Obama was elected as president, the banner headline for the Tribune focused on the county commissioner’s race. The headline read, “Jackson defeats Schoen.”

About 25 residents, who said they had hoped to save the local paper with Obama’s victory noted front page, picketed the newspaper’s office Thursday.

“We run a newspaper, not a memory book service,” he said. “We covered the local commissioner’s race. We thought that was more important.”

Is anyone surprised that this newspaper is based out of Dallas, Texas?

So, This Is What I Wear…

…pretty much every day:

I love Ellen Page and here’s why:

1. She is from Nova Scotia, which is where my favorite beer is made. Also, I’ve never met a person from N.S. that I didn’t like. Must be something in the water.

2. Hard Candy is probably one of the best films of the past 10 years and it’s in large part to her gripping and mature performance. (Though Patrick Wilson writhing around all sweaty on a table doesn’t hurt either.)

3. From an interview with Filly.ca: “There’s really, in L.A., not a fantastic sense of relativity of what really, maybe, matters,” she says. “And when you come home, you just kind of realize what reality is again. I like to just walk around, ride my bike and wash the dishes and pick up my dog’s crap and wear the same thing everyday.”

Mamacita!

Jezebel’s comprehensive list of all the freshman women entering the House & Senate in 2009:

Hi, ladies!

An Orgy Of News.

Clearly we are all excited about Barack Obama becoming the 44th President of the United States. (This is an assumption I feel confident in making if you are still reading this sorry excuse for a blog.)

Here are some things I am not so excited about:

(What, you guys think it all ends on election night?)

1. Ted Stevens winning his bid for re-election in Alaska. Seriously? Are you snowbillies so backwards that you’ll gladly take a known felon over a Democrat? The scumbucket has been convicted seven times over. Like I told my station manager this morning, yet another reason to avoid living in Alaska. (As if we needed another.) I think the worst part of this story is that Stevens’ win could likely pave the way for Sarah Palin to resign her seat as Governor in order to get appointed to Stevens’ seat by the state’s Lieutenant Governor. Can you imagine Sarah Palin in the fucking Senate? I can’t. Especially after hearing that she thought Africa was a country and Neiman Marcus was a playground. Crazy lady needs to go back to Wasilla and stick her head in the sand for a few years. Either that, or land a show on Fox. Either one is tantamount to a life of shame and mediocrity.

2. The Minnesota Senate race where Al Franken is losing by a razor-thin margin. (571 votes, to be exact, with thousands of absentee and provisional ballots to still be counted.) That why it’s downright ridiculous to hear this coming from his opponent, incumbent Republican turd Norm Coleman:

Coleman urged Franken to waive his right to a recount, saying that the prospect of changing the result was remote and that a recount would be costly to taxpayers (about $86,000).

“I just think the need for the healing process is so important. … hopefully, you don’t have TV ads during an election recount,” Coleman said.

Yeah, man, just waive your right to a fair fight! It’s probably un-American if you don’t!

3. Speaking of un-American, let’s talk about the passage of Proposition 8 in California. How American is it to take away a group’s civil rights after they’ve already been granted? That’s like giving a little kid a cookie and stealing it after his first bite. Our country made a giant leap forward when we elected our first black President (okay, HALF black, whatever) but the next step is including and preventing discrimination against gays and lesbians. This isn’t a third-world country and it isn’t a theocracy: It’s the United freakin’ States of America and if two people are lucky enough to find each other it shouldn’t matter whether they’re guys, girls, or people who refuse to play into the traditional gender schematic. Love is love, people. Don’t like the idea of a gay marriage? Don’t get one. (Same goes for abortions. Ahem.)

4. The decisive re-election of Sally Kern, known homophobe, to the House of Representatives. (Her race wasn’t even close. Sigh.) Mrs. Kern, if you remember, spewed the following awesomeness about our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters:

“Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. So it’s the death knell of this country. I honestly think it’s the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam — which I think is a big threat, okay? Cause what’s happening now is they are going after, in schools, two-year olds…And this stuff is deadly, and it’s spreading, and it will destroy our young people, it will destroy this nation.”

After receiving attention for the remarks, Kern said “I said nothing that was not true” and refused to apologize.

Beautiful stuff, really. Though it does sort of explain the actions of my ex-boyfriend’s grandmother, a resident of Oklahoma, who called me a “heathen bitch” and stormed out of my Montréal apartment without eating the dinner I’d spent all afternoon making. We got into a heated little argument about a dude some like to call, “Jesus.” (Apparently he’d died for my sins and silly me hadn’t realized it! Pffff. Know your audience, grandma!)

But enough with the negativity. There were many other positive results in the 2008 election besides my man Obama kicking some electoral college ass. For one, the Democrats reached a whopping 56, possibly 57 (maaaaybe 58?) seats in the Senate and retained a nice lead in the House as well. Looks like Bush Co.’s reign of terror is finally coming to a close, though I wouldn’t underestimate his ability to royally fuck up multiple things before packing his bags. (”Lame duck” is not exactly a term in Karl Rove’s vocabulary.)

Some things to be happy about:

1. South Dakota finally woke the hell up and rejected a ban on abortions that was instituted during the 2006 ballot initiatives. Equally awesome was the defeat of that bill in Colorado that would’ve redefined a fertilized egg as a person. Can you imagine a law being passed in 2008 that would make miscarriage something to be investigated?

Sarah Stoesz — president and CEO of Planned Parenthood Minnesota, North Dakota and South Dakota — said, “South Dakotans have affirmed by their votes … that no vague law can account for every individual circumstance. And that is precisely why women and families, not the government, should make these personal health care decisions” (Los Angeles Times, 11/5). Stoesz added, “We defeated it here, and it won’t spread to other states. And now we’ve started a counter movement in a very conservative part of the country” (Reuters, 11/5). In reaction to the defeat of both the South Dakota measure and a Colorado initiative that would have defined a fertilized egg as a person, Vicki Saporta — president of the National Abortion Federation — said, “The lesson here is that Americans, in states across the country, clearly support women’s ability to access abortion care without government interference”

2. MASSACHUSETTS DECRIMINALIZES MARIJUANA!

Edward F. Davis – Boston’s police commissioner, who also opposed the initiative – said the law should not be harder to enforce than others on the books.

While he remains concerned that more people will drive under the influence, he said the new law “won’t drastically affect how we do business.”

He pointed out that fines issued to those caught with the drug at the city’s annual HempFest would be doubled under the new law. And he said his officers rarely turned those arrested for possession into informants and routinely made judgments about weight without a scale.

“I’m disappointed that it went through . . . but I don’t think the sky is falling by any stretch of the imagination,” Davis said.

…I knew there was a reason I moved to this wicked crazy state.

I do, however, find it incredibly amusing that I received an email in my inbox several hours after the bill was passed from Emerson’s administrative team reminding me that the college still maintained a zero-tolerance policy on substances such as alcohol and marijuana. (Guess that means we’re going to have to move the party to my place.)

3. Kay Hagan boots Elizabeth Dole from the Senate in North Carolina! Considering Dole ran this awful ad depicting Hagan as a godless and America-hating, this is a huge victory for Sanity and her cousin Reason.

Absolute horseshit. But hey, for the first time in like, 52 years the US Government will be entirely free from both the Bush and the Dole family!

(Cue the band, Wink!)

Reason #8,692 “The West Wing” Should Be The Standard Model For American Politics.

It ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings. (…Or the shiny lady goes back to Alaska.)

Polls = Science

Question, blogfans:

For the past two elections I’ve been a CNN gal, but considering I haven’t (regularly) watched another news network other than MSNBC in the past year, it makes sense to go with them on the big night. I want Olbermann and Rachel and Chris Matthews giving me the scoop, not Wolf fucking Blitzer.

Boo!

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeen, kiddies.

(Om nom nom nom.)

TiVo + Netflix Sittin’ In A Tree.

It’s being reported in the Wall Street Journal that TiVo and Netflix have reached a deal that will allow movies to be delivered straight to DVR systems. [!!!]

Netflix said it will begin testing a service Thursday that lets users with TiVo’s latest DVR models access movies and television shows from an online library of 12,000 Netflix titles. The service will be available at no additional charge to subscribers of Netflix’s DVD rental service, as long as the Netflix customers are on rental plans that cost at least $8.99 a month.

The deal unites two high-profile tech brands that are both attempting to navigate the transition to a time when most video is delivered over the Internet rather than on DVDs and through television. TiVo, based in Alviso, Calif., is best known for offering a convenient method for recording TV programs, but it has also struck a series of partnerships with Amazon.com Inc. and others that allow users to download video from the Internet.

I’ve been thinking about getting a Netflix subscription for a long time, but hemmed and hawed for a bunch of reasons: Didn’t have a stable permanent address, didn’t want to pay for movies when I could just download them, etc. But if they’re offering a service for ten bucks a month that allows me to search through thousands of movies without having to wait for them to download via (illegal) torrent sites…well…it kinda sounds too good to be true. Eliminating mailing and postage and waiting for your movies to arrive is a huge step in the right direction for this company – I’m no stockbroker, but I’d start buying shares in these companies now before they explode.

Chocolate Sex (Possibly NSFW?)

Yet another sign that YES, I’ve got my period right now:

Mmmmmmmmelty.

Ten Days In The Life of a Tampon.

I just finished reading a delightful personal essay about one of the most horrifying experiences ever.

It’s called “Ten Days In The Life Of A Tampon” and I’d like to share the beginning of it with you, because it’s funny in that way that only something truly disgusting can be:

WARNING: The following is a really, really gross story. It may even qualify as “beyond gross.” It also: signifies nothing, gives you wayyyy too much information, and is told by a total idiot. Its sole redeeming trait is that it involves a scenario we’ve all feared before — the one where you get a tampon stuck up inside you for a treacherously, perilously long period of time — and it has a (marginally) happy ending. Read at your own risk, folks. I’ll tell you if I get Toxic Shock Syndrome!

It was a beautiful week and a beautiful weekend. It was verdant, sun-dappled, horticulture-redolent, exfoliated, affluent, groomed, merry, relaxed, pressed, aspirational, and at its beginning, even fragrant. (That would change.) It was all so dizzyingly gorgeous I could feel a low-grade panic trickle through my chest. But it was all good.

“Moe,” my friend John asked. “Do you want half a Vicodin?” I did indeed.

I was at my best friend’s wedding. As my heels dug into the soft mud beneath the outdoor pews, I could feel my period start. I hate my period more every time it comes. It comes a lot these days, every two or three weeks. I assume my uterus has put itself on a fast-track to complete the mandatory number of eggs required to call it quits and resign itself to waiting for death. But god, in the meantime, what a nuisance.

I could reproduce with John. He likes drugs and is writing a piece on a surgeon who conducts head transplants. Apparently the downside of a head transplant is that full-body paralysis is an unavoidable side effect. Whatever; I read a story about a perfectly mobile woman who sat on the toilet for two years, who sat on the toilet so long she became stuck; alone with her mind and the receptacle for her gross bodily functions. Yes I’m being glib! I just had half a Vicodin, but this I can say in all earnestness: I would not miss a single physical sensation involved with getting my period. I just got it. Thanks Vicodin!

The evening progressed gaily. I bought tampons and made jokes and smoked cigarettes and partook of a very open bar. At one point I leaned back into a candle and set my cardigan on fire but everyone laughed it off. At another point an old paramour showed me a picture of his 13-day-old child — so you’ve averted nuclear holocaust! I laughed — and told him about a recent abortion and he told me solemnly it was a shame because I’d “be a good mother” and I naturally laughed that off too. I made out with John and he told me he couldn’t take me home because he felt that the girl he was dating he could actually see marrying some day, and I laughed that off — was there another option? —and apologized for my behavior and called it a night. There was no place to go, though, so I took my bleeding self to the train station to wait for a train back to the city…

click here to read the rest… (I laughed so hard I choked.)

You Are Your Machines.

I got approved for a Juniper Visa card last night and as soon as it arrives in the mail I am purchasing THIS:

Talk about some dangerous curves…

I’m going with the basic 20-inch: 2.4GHz model, but I’m planning to upgrade from 1GB of memory to 2GB (anyone who thinks I should spring for 4GB raise your hands!) I’m also going to do the wireless keyboard & mouse thing. A certain someone who communicates directly with the Apple gods is providing me with a stockpile of awesome software and possibly a bit of a discount at the store.

After spending the past two days giving myself an ulcer in the Emerson computer labs, wasting hours upon hours fighting with Avid Media Composer (a program I fucking loathe) when I could have had my very own system outfitted with the user-friendly Final Cut Pro right in my very own home? Screw that, where do I sign? (And why did I wait until the week my first project was due before coming to this realization?)

I haven’t purchased a new computer since my senior year of college (that’s 2004 for those of you keeping track) and according to some long-lost tenant of Moore’s Law it appears I’m about two years overdue.

So, Mac users, what are some of your best bits of advice to a lifelong PC user who’s about to make the switch? I think I’m going to buy some sort of “switch” book (ie: THIS or maybe THIS?) to ease my rickety transition but I welcome any and all insight into the topic. Also, last question, if I’m also thinking about getting an iPhone in December (when the evil Verizon contract expires) is it worth looking into this MobileMe membership thing?

Come on, Internet. Sharing is caring.

[xposted to Livejournal]

You Say Tomato, I Say PURPLE!

Scientists in the UK have developed a genetically-modified tomato that contains high levels of fun cancer-fighting anthocyanin pigments aka: flavonoids.

Two words: IT’S PURPLE!

Considering that tomatoes comprise about 25% of my entire diet (no, really, I survive primarily on chicken, cheese, tomatoes, plus anything I can buy from a street vendor) this is great news for my hungry belly.

Fighting cancer one freakishly-colored genetically-modified fruit at a time!

(Om nom nom, et al.)